I don’t know why we’re here, but I’m pretty sure it’s not to enjoy ourselves. Wittgenstein.
I have often heard people say, “You are exactly where you need to be.” They believe that everything happening in our lives—to us, around us—is part of a grand plan of self-discovery and personal growth. It sounds profound. I’ll admit—I have proffered such esoteric-sounding advice myself, albeit unwittingly, and, I bet, to people who probably were already vulnerable and didn’t need another philosophical zinger tossed their way.
But, it’s only recently that I've begun to realize that the assertion “you are exactly where you need to be” has rather weighty implications. Judging by the situations I still land in, and the way I respond to them, life, even well past the halfway mark, seems to have plenty left to teach me.
It’s not even about my reactions to life-altering events. It’s not like I currently have a debilitating illness, or lost my job, or found out that I was adopted. Even minor, day-to-day rubs get me.
Like when someone smudges the just-shined stainless-steel refrigerator with their not-quite-dry hands. Or, I find an empty candy wrapper safely tucked away inside the fridge. Or, being forced to grin and bear an annoying work colleague who speaks in fake platitudes like he’s just taken a motivation-101 class and is addressing a room full of kindergartners.
I can’t seem to rise above the fray and keep calm. Or carry on. The bottom line is this: there’s so much more growing up to do, and this one lifetime isn’t going to cut it.
I have two options:
- I can run around with the realization that I’m screwed (hey, at least there’s self-awareness) and fret my lack of forbearance OR
- I can embrace the “you are exactly where you need to be” philosophy, stop wishing my circumstances were different, and lean in to live a more present life.
Without a doubt, Option 1—blaming circumstances or chalking things up to personality—is more fun and easier to get behind. Option 2—taking responsibility—is boring and uncomfortable.
But isn’t that just how life works? The right way tends to be the harder way, at least initially.
Think about kale salad. Every recipe or menu listing tries to dress it up with adjectives like “crisp,” “vibrant,” “nutrient-packed,” or “hearty” just to get you to try it. Fries, on the other hand? No need for a sales pitch. Just say “fries,” and people show up.
So, then, Option 2. How do we get started? Albeit reluctantly…
Living a more present life
The meaning of life is just to be alive. Alan Watts
Watts' quote, above, derived from Eastern philosophy, is a tribute to mindful living. It challenges our culture’s obsessions with purpose and productivity in life.
We’re often so caught up in getting to the end of whatever we define as our purpose that any deviations from said purpose upset and annoy us.
Watts’ message is simple: live in the moment, trust that you’re exactly where you need to be, and resist the urge to wish for different circumstances.
Sadly, for us, the How-To manual falls short in this area, too, just like it does with some of life’s most challenging questions: how to raise a child, how much is enough, how to reach enlightenment.
But, there are some simple guardrails we can rely on to make us live more mindfully, regardless of whether life is peachy or busy handing us lemons.
You can't build peace on empty stomachs – Norman Borlaug
I have learned not to underestimate the power of basic elements that can keep us from blowing our gasket—adequate sleep, decent food, and, most importantly, movement. It is impossible to overstate the restraining role physical comfort and movement can play in situations that can trigger us. You don’t have to take my word for it. People far smarter than I have said the same thing.
Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. Elle Woods, Legally Blonde
And once you have exercised, rested, and are well-fed, it’s easier to embrace that you are exactly where you need to be. Even when that where is unappealing and wobbly. Even if it involves cleaning up after people who think candy wrappers belong in the dairy drawer. Even if your neighbor is like Newman from Seinfeld.
So maybe the goal isn’t to become a beacon of serenity. Perhaps it’s just to learn how to survive the irritants with humor and grace.