One of the things I catch myself saying far too often is some version of: “I will be xxx when yyy happens.”
It shows up in harmless-looking lines like:
- I’ll feel better once I deliver that big presentation
- I’ll relax on Friday night, after this crazy work week ends
- I’ll start my quest for spirituality when I retire
The subtext being: life isn’t quite right now, but when it straightens itself, I’ll start living. This is somewhat of a habitual pattern for me, though. The past versions were just as predictable.
A couple of years ago, it was “I’ll relax after my child’s college application season ends.” (Even though, truthfully, I had very little involvement beyond being a professional worrier on her behalf.)
She finished high school and has been in her dream college for two years now. So did my holding off help? Am I now unequivocally relaxed? Hardly. The opposite, really. More pressing concerns marched in and replaced the old ones. To the point where I look back and think, “That was what I worried about?” All I’ve done is substitute the “xxxs” with “zzzs.”
I did this a lot when I went through some serious, life-threatening medical struggles. Every time I had a lab test scheduled, I would put my entire life on hold until the results came back. Sure, I was anxious, as anyone would be, but here’s the real question: What did all that holding get me? The answer is deeply disappointing: lost time.
The Myth That “Joy Invites Disaster”
Though I may have perfected the art of (metaphorically) holding my breath until a future event unfolds the way I’d like, I’m sure I’m not alone.
Somewhere, either culturally reinforced or maybe a generational quirk, many of us carry around this superstition: Happiness comes at a price. Smile too much, and life will collect its debt.
Now, I can notice the flawed logic. These two things—today’s joy and tomorrow’s disaster—aren’t causally connected. Shit happens when it does. You may skip coffee all morning, but that won’t stop your coworker from spilling theirs on your white shirt right before a meeting.
The point is this: standing on guard, jaw clenched, in anticipation of life’s stresses won’t help us avoid them. It will just give us jaw pain. Research backs this up:
- Studies in anticipatory anxiety consistently show that worrying ahead of time doesn’t reduce emotional impact; in fact, it increases perceived stress and lowers coping ability when the event actually occurs (Grupe & Nitschke, 2013, Nature Reviews Neuroscience).
- Psychologists also refer to this as “affective forecasting error.” We’re terrible at predicting how bad or good something will feel, so we waste emotional energy bracing for impact that often never comes (Gilbert & Wilson, 2007).
The data is clear. Holding your breath doesn’t soften the blow. It just steals the present.
That said, I’m not advocating a complete surrender to instant gratification, though, “forget the writing, let me eat pie now,” did just cross my mind.
Here’s the paradox: The number of things we want to do will always outnumber the time we have on this earth. This game is rigged. The house wins. Always. The only agency we really have is accepting that our agency is limited, and then choosing wisely within those limits.
I’m not a life coach, so I’m not going to spout advice. But here’s what I plan on doing: get brutally honest about what matters to me today. I’ll take Warren Buffett’s “25/5 rule” (mythologized or not) seriously.
Buffett supposedly asked his pilot to list his top 25 career goals, then circle the five most important. When the pilot said he’d focus on the top five but still work on the remaining 20 “on the side,” Buffett told him that the other 20 should become an “avoid at all costs” list until the top 5 were done.
The principle is solid: identify what matters most, and treat the rest as distractions. Personally, given my chronic FOMO, ignoring the things that sort of matter— the other twenty — will be hardest for me.
So hopefully I’ll have fewer “I’ll get to x when y happens” moments.
None of us knows where the finish line is. All we have is today. Really, just this minute. It’s okay to relax, smile, and be happy now, not once the house is spotless, finances flawless, and health immaculate.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon