My private integrity is a highly confidential matter. Don't ask questions, and I won't tell you any lies. Anonymous.
We push our chairs back after we’ve dined at a restaurant, we roll our shopping cart back into the corral instead of abandoning it in the parking lot, and we hold the door open to let another person pass through comfortably. Right? Mostly. Especially if we know we are being watched by someone else.
It’s easy to do the right thing in public.
But how we act when we’re by ourselves, without witnesses, is a measure of our private integrity. It is the strength to do the right thing when no one is looking. It is what shapes our character, our values, and ultimately our happiness.
There’s no doubt we live in an age ruled by social validation. We can’t seem to buy a pair of socks or decide whether pineapple belongs on pizza without consulting our Instagram followers first. But relying so heavily on external approval leaves us floundering…the internet is fickle, at best, and even if you’re a sworn Luddite, everyone else is too busy also figuring out what socks to buy.
So, how long can we go without socks, or keep the Domino’s person waiting for our order, while we decide what we want? But more importantly, if we can’t even make a move without someone’s input, our chances of honing our private integrity, of doing the right thing on our own when no one’s looking, grow dimmer. And that has repercussions, starting with Self-Trust.
We often think of confidence as the belief that we can handle what comes our way. But true confidence comes from a deeper knowledge that we will keep our own promises.
When we don’t feel in the mood, or there’s a drizzle, yet we go out for a run—not for applause, but because we told ourselves we would—it strengthens that bond of private integrity. Conversely, every time we flake on ourselves, we chip away at it.
Over time, this accumulates into one of two states: quiet power or quiet erosion.
It’s highly likely that our lack of motivation, or perceived lack of willpower, is not what it seems. It’s probably a lack of self-trust—we don’t believe we’d do what we said we’d do. Private integrity rebuilds that trust one micro-commitment at a time.
I’m all for public accountability. The name of this very blog, Partably, a compression of the phrase Partner-in-accountability, is based on the belief that the risk of public humiliation is enough motivation to get us off our couches. But when public accountability becomes our only accountability, our moral muscle weakens. That’s why building private integrity really matters. We may not trend on social media, but we’ll sleep better.
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Building private integrity takes both intention and awareness. Like any other habit, it's best to start small.
Maybe we decide to listen to another person without butting in, we take responsibility for our actions, and resist the urge to point fingers, or do something good for another person anonymously.
The next step is to track our behaviors (privately) to see how we fared versus what he’d hoped. I, for one, start with angelic intentions, but my execution meter still has a long way to go.
Finally, notice the pattern of excuses, and keep chipping away at it, without guilt.
Integrity is less about never slipping and more about not letting the slip define us.
The hope is that the small steps—telling the truth in low-stakes situations, meeting our own deadlines— prepare us for the heavy lifts: to stand up for our values even when our opinions may be unpopular and ultimately to live a conscientious life.
To paraphrase something I read once:
Private integrity doesn’t make you flawless. It makes you coherent. You are the same person on the inside and outside.