You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
Eleanor Roosevelt
In The Psychology of Money, Morgan Housel reflects on his time as a valet.
"The best part of being a valet is getting to drive some of the coolest cars ever to touch pavement. Guests came in driving Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Rolls-Royces--the whole aristocratic fleet. It was my dream to have one of these cars of my own, because (I thought) they sent such a strong signal to others that you made it. You're smart. You're rich. You have taste. You're important. Look at me.
The irony is that I rarely ever looked at them, the drivers. When you see someone driving a nice car, you rarely think, " Wow, the guy driving that car is cool." Instead, you think, "Wow, if I had that car people would think I'm cool."
We all love our things. It's hard not to see that shiny car, designer bag, or the newest gadget as symbols of success or meaningful milestones. But here’s a reality check: while our possessions and stories might be incredibly significant to us, they simply don’t resonate with others.
Too many people spend money they earn to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like. Will Rogers
The reason for this is what psychologists refer to as The Spotlight Effect.
The Spotlight Effect
The spotlight effect is a psychological phenomenon in which we overestimate how much others notice or care about our actions, appearance, or behaviors. Essentially, we believe we are under a metaphorical spotlight, with the whole world paying close attention to us when, in reality, most people are too focused on their own lives to notice much about ours.
The spotlight effect is pervasive in daily life: you spill coffee on your shirt and spend the whole day convinced everyone’s staring at the stain, or you trip over a word during a presentation and immediately assume the entire room thinks you’re incompetent.
The spotlight effect occurs because we are the center of our own universe. We’re acutely aware of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, so it’s easy to assume others are just as aware. However, this assumption overlooks the fact that everyone else is preoccupied with their own concerns. We often project our internal significance into our possessions or experiences and overestimate how much others care about them.
As Mark Manson said rather bluntly,
We are not as interesting as we think we are, and the world doesn’t revolve around us as much as we think it does.
We’re Not as Interesting as We Think We Are
We think our tales of how we lost ten pounds or won tickets to a Taylor Swift concert are astounding, and maybe they are, to each of us, because of the emotional weight they carry. But no one cares about our stories and stuff as much as we do.
Our need for social approval is at the center of our desire to impress others. Frankly, there is not much we can do about that. We’re wired that way.
As I described in an earlier post, trust and validation between humans are about as essential to our existence as food, water, and air. Our very survival, to a large extent, has depended upon our ability to belong and be liked.
But that does not mean we must get carried away with Main Character Syndrome.
In a world dominated by self-centered thinking and social media highlight reels, this realization that we’re not at the center of the universe can feel humbling and even mildly depressive, but the reality is that it has the potential to be incredibly freeing.
After all, our stories and stuff are really a way for us to gain the respect and admiration of others, especially those we care about. Clearly, possessions and self-centered storytelling don’t leave a mark, so what does?
The Takeaway
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Dale Carnegie.
The way to leave a lasting impression is not through stories or stuff. It’s how we make people feel. Here are some ways to do that effectively:
- Generosity: Giving our time, energy, or resources to help others is probably the most impactful thing we can ever do.
- Kindness: A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.
- Authenticity: Being real is magnetic. People are drawn to genuine connections, not curated personas. As Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself. Everybody else is taken."
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou